Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Reading Old Love Letters

I’ve read old letters from someone I used to inexplicably care deeply for, not so much romantic, and I’ve felt re-inspired in my writing.

Glancing back into an old life, especially one in which I wrote long love letters, winding messages of love and obsession because I was too young to know any better. But writing, always writing because I was so overflowing with so many feelings that I had no where else to put it. Living on a day to day base. Trying to maintain a healthy relationship, and cultivate friendships. Struggling to survive in New York. These have all become preoccupations for me, feelings are pushed aside or dealt with in an explosive manner. I used to write for days for hours for ever, until my words finally started to soothe whatever was aching. Everything could only be understood through the exhausted process of writing. I reached almost every important conclusion in my life through writing, documented every milestone, wrote drunken rambling poems that at the time seemed like small works of brilliance. At twenty-two I’ve got over ten journals filled with my life, my stories, my poetry, my aspirations, my failures, and my loves.

The point is that I have let these moments slip away undocumented. I’ve gone through life this past year in a fog, unable to understand my mounting depression. My inability to deal, or to figure things out on my own and my sudden dependency on other people. I’ve always talked a lot, but I’ve always written more than I’ve talked, this past year it seems I’ve talked and talked, but haven’t written anything.

Those letters remind me who I am and who I’ve aspired to be. They remind me what someone saw in my words and how it inspired them.

My own personal love letter to him and the memory of him in my life will be to continue writing.

totsuzen no deai e no kokoro kara no yorokobi to
"itsushika owaru kamoshirenai..." sonna kankaku ni obiete
soshite hitomi o mitsumeteta
nanimo wakarazu ni

The joy from my heart at our sudden meeting says
"Maybe it'll be over before I know it..." those forebodings scare me
And then I was gazing into your eyes
Without understanding anything

dore dake no omoide mo yume no you na maboroshi de
itsumademo kawaru koto no nai tojikomerareta kimi ga iru
ima mo hitomi o mitsumeteta
nanimo kawarazu ni

They're not forever changing, so how many phantoms,
Like memories and dreams, could you file away
And now I gazed into your eyes
Without changing anything
From: Gackt - Emu For My Dear


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