This Post Will Change Your Writing.

Last night I was writing, or rather tapping my hands against my keyboard to simulate something kind of like writing. It was almost successful. I got one full page that I didn’t delete and for now that’ll just have to be my minor achievement. When you stop writing for a while only to start writing crap, it’s not exactly inspiring.

When I was short of ideas I came up with a list of things to get writing:

• Steal someone else’s ideas.
  Plagiarize. Okay, we could argue about the legality of it, so long as you don’t get caught. (If it makes you feel guilty you can always change the setting, character names, century and the title, and slap your name on it and call it a “homage.” As long as you change some of the scenes you’re okay
  
• If you’re writing non-fiction, LIE.
  You might make it on Oprah. You might not but it’s definitely more interesting than reading about your life as a privileged white male, who probably just experimented like most suburban kids.
  
• Come up with a gimmick.
  Do something weird and kooky for a year and then write a book about it. I’ve decide to spend a year cleaning porta-potties. The book will be titled “My Year in Filth.” I’m a creative genius.
  
• Write books that encourage other people to be Kooky.
  Such as This Book will Change Your Life: 365 Daily Instructions for Hysterical Living, which has instructions like write a serial killer and includes the prison addresses, or Astonish Yourself!: 101 Experiments in the Philosophy of Everyday Life, which changes your perspective with experiments such as shouting your name repeatedly or drinking a glass of water while taking a piss. You’ll be as entertaining as a coffee table book (which means for all of five seconds people look at them) but it’ll sell, especially to impressionable youth.
  
• or Become famous.
  Anyone can publish anything as long as they’re famous. Ex: Nicole Richie, Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton’s Dog, Dennis Rodman (he’s got two), Ethan Hawke (which may or may not be worth reading), Hilary Clinton. I’m patiently awaiting memoirs from one of the Olsen Twins, Lindsey Lohan, and Dick Cheney.